I had a coaching session with Tammy before leaving work this morning. I'm not sure what she was trying to accomplish but I'm more confused now than I was before about the position of TOIC that I was recently recommended for. During the course of our conversation the inevitable comparison with Jong and his accomplishments took place. She had pointed out several shortcomings that I have when it comes to dealing with administrative work. I had been dragging my heels when trying to accomplish tasks put to me that did not interest me at all. It seems that even with the situation Jong and I have been given, a team of three each, I have still been focusing more on myself than on the needs of others.
Before the session I was already looking forward to the leadership training that I would be taking part in. I was thinking that maybe I could pick up what I needed to change how I worked. I wasn't thinking about abandoning the path towards leadership to take up the path that I had envisioned my career would be taking in Lighthouse.
But when I take a look back at how I have been as a leader in training so far I am dissapointed that I have been sabotaging my own attempts at achieving this role. I have continuously disregarded tasks put to me, schedules I had been given (or created for myself).
My question to myself at this point is whether I should continue pursuing the path for leadership or take the option given to me by Tammy (the last one as I understand it) to follow what I had wanted before. I have to question my motives for accepting her recommendation on my becoming a TOIC as well as understand exactly where I am on the whole thing. No bullshit allowed.
First of all, I was happy in the knowledge that I was going after the Specialist path in Lighthouse before this was ever brought up. I thought that if it was ever brought up (inevitable) I would politely decline stating obvious reasons back then. I was neither interested i becoming a leader nor did I believe that I had the capacity to accomplish the tasks that came with the job. I believed then that I was not chickening out of the proposition but simply realizing what I was good at and what I wanted to continue to develop.
Tammy had convinced me that another leader was needed in the team. She had made it plain that her plans had consisted of grooming both Jong and myself as she had recognized qualities we possesed that did make a leader. I had hedged out of it everytime she approached me about it; stating the reasons I have mentioned earlier. I believed whatever she saw in me was insufficient when it came to being a leader. What qualities she said she recognized were true but being a leader is so much more; a mindset that I do not posses. Jong had approached me a few times asking if Tammy had spoke to me about possibly being a leader and I admitted to that fact, however I explained that I had declined several times and would probably continue doing so. Oddly enough, he mentioned interest in pursuing the path. I had gained additional respect for him from that point as he had recognized what all of us already knew; he'd make a very good leader. But, he had expressed concerns about going through the whole process on his own. He had admitted shortcomings when it came to learning certain things and the comfort it would be to him if he could go through the process with someone he knew. The Support departments being as they are, he definitely meant me. I had taken what he had said and started to believe that there was this opportunity to learn about an aspect of myself that I had never bothered with exploring before; that of a leader within Etelecare. Tammy had explained previously as well that a need did exist for additional leaders for the Dialer Administrators; she could only stretch herself so far without breaking under all the pressure. I had started to consider that perhaps my initial reaction to the possibility of leadership was born out of selfishness. I wanted something that I could see before me. I knew the path I had to take and what I had to do to reach Specialist Officer. Maybe I was playing blind against the needs of the DA team. Maybe I wasn't considering what other people needed. Maybe I wasn't recognizing the opportunity for what it was. As Tammy has said, there are people who would love to be in my position; that rung just below Team Leader. Her confidence in me had taken root and played out all sorts of ideas in my head as I spoke to her again and this time said that I would like to take advantage of the opportunity.
When the announcements were made everybody was enthusiastic. The future looked bright for the whole team. Friends in Operations had congratulated me on achieving what they understood as the logical next step. We were assigned teams and given the proper instruction on how to go about caring for them.
The Erwin incident occured. Something that has shaken me to my core. My view on other people's motives had changed forever.
As the months passed, it was starting to become obvious to me what I had surmised from the start; Jong fits the mold perfectly. He is able to handle all aspects like a juggler's act. He never forgets anything put to him. Well okay, maybe he does. But, he already has ideas when certain situations are put to him, situations involving the best for the team. I'd have to be lying if I said that he made me proud to know him. The excellence that I had wanted to learn or achieve in leadeship just came out of his pores as naturally as sweat. He sweats a lot. Really.
I, on the other hand was bumbling around. I had missed deadlines, a backlog which was as long as ... well, it was long. I had continued to focus on technical issues. It looks like the only thing I did well enough was coaching sessions. But often enough? In all honesty, I never compared my output to Jong's as a reason for envy. I tried to use him as an inspiration on what to do and how to act as a leader. In my opinion, I have failed miserably for the half year of being a team leader in training. I have created more dissapointments trying to handle people than I have trying to handle multiple dialers. God only knows what they're saying behind my back.
So, we come to the here and now. What to do, what to do. Outside of Etel it can be considered as: what I want to do, really, as well as what I have the propensity for dealing with. Don't hurt people when you're trying to help.
Inside Etel? Well, I have to deal with several bells and whistles don't I. I have tried to handle a team for more than half a year now. I have dropped the ball on several things that are very important to the team. So much so that I am now awarded the least cumbersome tasks and yet meet no completion. It turns out that I can't hack it but maybe all is not lost for me becoming a leader. I must understand what is good for the collective and answer that call with the best that I have. And what I hear most of all "Apat na taon ka nang nasa Etel, dapat lang na maging TL ka na." Team Leadership is the obvious path.
What do I want? Who do I have to be?
I am going to have a serious headache all through tomorrow...