I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath thats true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
Youll come apart and youll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with whats not there.

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew

A strangers light comes on slowly
A strangers heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think its strange you never knew
I think its strange you never knew

pathetic. fuckin' pathetic. its become as far as ice cubes away to get there. the fear hasn't split into peices as i had promised myself. being 'brave' has only made me look like a fool. that first footstep everyone takes for something or other? i traded it for cracked rose colored glasses. another purchase i made based on hype.

she did turn around again but didn't look at me different as i had been hoping. she sees me the same as she always had. and that smirk teases again, just at the corner of her lips.

failure is a brand heaviest when its being myself that was judged.

i have to get out and see the sun because all these shadows make a filthy stinking smothering cloak. i'm weary of carrying this heavy cloying thing. it itches and bothers. it makes my head hurt and distracts me from other things. but i can't put it down. it holds tight, whispering to me under the cowl. that i need it. that i'm less of a person without its weight. and that no apology is powerful enough to release me from it.

A TONIC REPRISE
By : Wolfgang

I lost my heart today but that's ok
cause now I'm a man who has no heart
I lost my soul today but that's ok
cause now I'm a man who has no soul
and you can't blacken the rain
and you can't stem the tides from shore
and you can't see the sun because you've got nothing
and you can't tarnish all the leaves
and you can't paint away the clouds
you'll never hold the stars
because you've got nothing, nothing at all
I lost my pride today but that's ok
cause now I'm a man who has no pride

it isn't the water, the sand or the heat that i miss more.  and i'm sorry for being able to admit that only now.

but i'm sure that the colors have changed in that now imagined landscape.  i can't flip back the pages because in this story the players have changed along with the readers while the right side of the book got thinner.

i keep making up excuses for not going through the next paragraphs.

and ever since the news of my grandmother dying, a new fear has grown for my father who is close to her age.

its just weddings and funerals from here on.

namatay si lola kaninang alas dos ng umaga at pagod na si nanay sa kakaiyak

walking away


I had strange dreams last night. I remember waking up a couple of times to go to the bathroom to pee. But I can't remember which dreams got interrupted. Thinking about it, the dreams swayed from situation to situation in the odd way that dreams do.

The first one I remember was set outside of the house my family used to live in at Greenhillls. Most of what was going on was outside the house. I don't remember noticing if the ground was wet but it felt like it had just rained. There were some large snails walking on the walls around the area as I remember there would be during the rainy season. The gardener didn't like them at all; had something to do with eating the plants I think. I was walking around in the back garden, feeling very proud and happy. I was wearing a huge beige colored overcoat over what I am convinced were my office clothes. I had a hat on. People started appearing who were dressed similarly. I notice on the horizon that i can make out some of them walking on the roof of neighboring houses. Everybody is just strolling in a very casual way. I seemed to recognize all of them; giving some sort of greeting or nod that would be acknowledge. I don't remember what I said nor any of their faces. I started to get more and more concerned. My panic would not show in my actions but inside fear was growing more and more as I encountered more and more people. My smile or step didn't change, I didn't let any of it come out of me. Inside I was thinking that sooner or later they would find me out. They would realize that I have been faking it all this time and I'm really not as good as they think I am. I stop walking near the old laundry area and take my hat off. I realize that I have a lot of hair in this dream, like I used to. I have really short hair now and have had it for a few months already. I put the hat into the right hand pocket of the coat and realize that it was too easy to put it away. Everybody else had these hats that I think get stored properly in boxes. I take mine out again and realize it's a fisherman flop hat. I think it's supposed to add to my fear but it doesn't. I used it to fan myself as the air has gotten a bit stifling. Then I went into the house in search of the washroom; not really needing to go bu just wanting to find it.

I enter the house through the door at the laundry area, meaning to use the washroom at the maids room. As I step through I find myself in a shopping mall. My clothes have changed to the office attire I used to have when I was still working for an insurance company. The first door I come to is the washroom but there is a small line heading into it. I don't find it odd that the line is mixed with men and women; not two separate lines. I decide to walk around to look for another washroom; still not needing to go, just wanting to get there. I remember passing by very familiar stores from back in the days when I used to hang around the Greenhills Shopping Center. I even walked slowly through the part my friends and I used to call 'sikip sikip'; because the stalls were too small that their wares spilled onto the passageways. I remember looking up at the ceiling of the structure and noticed several escalators zig zagging, sometimes skipping some floors. I decided to take one of the escalators, turned into a passage way that looked very familiar. I think I used to buy toys there. I was expecting a Gift Gate at the end of the hall and the Tropical Hut would be below it. But as I kept walking things turned into an arcade with ticket games. I made it past the machines and pushed through two double glass doors that had been covered over with thick blue paper to keep the sunlight from outside from getting through. I remember being in an arcade that had that. You came in after lunch and left near 7pm, wondering how time could have passed you buy so silently. The doors opened to a beach. My clothes had changed again. I could feel sand in my sandals. I realize that for the first time in my dream I hear something; the waves rolling into the shore. I smell coconuts and sweat. I smile. I am happy again; not filled with pride as at the start of the dream, but utterly content.

I wake up for the last time before getting ready to go to work. I find myself very confused even until this writing.